Writer in Residence

for the posts. I’m thrilled at least one of you likes Augarde. I was worried you lot might be far too sophisticated for him. I am in the throws of organising my book launch. When I was writing the book, I kept dreaming about a lavish launch in a dark inner-city bar filled with pomegranate martinis, skinny chips and aioli (a fancy name for garlic mayonnaise). When my publisher offered me the opportunity to have it in a very sensible bookshop like every other sensible author, I said no. I like being different. So, now I find myself spending my days looking up glassware on the internet (who knew hiring wine glasses could be so tricky) and trying to work out just how I’m going to make 800 chicken sandwiches, get aprons printed with the logo of the fictional school in my novel, find the time to write a thank you speech which isn’t dull (note: those Oscars’ speeches are not dull because the actors are hot but dumb; they are dull because interesting, sincere but amusing speeches are an impossible genre — there are only so many synonyms for thank you) and manage to show up in my new frock without chicken grease down the front. When you lot publish your books, promise me that you will have your launches in bookshops where they do all the work and you can just turn up and look suitably intense but fabulous. Or hook up with somebody who works for Harry the Hirer. Now, I’m not quite sure that this is what the State Library had in mind for this blog, and, despite my vow that the site be blue light, I have blown it on Day Three by bringing in pomegranate martinis. This is most irresponsible, although in my defence, I should note that my mention of pomegranate martinis has been most moderate. But, over to you. Are there any questions you would like me to answer? I give pretty lousy advice on most things (especially relationships), but I’ll do my best.