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Suite Scarlett
Martin family birthday breakfasts followed a strict tradition. First, there were Belgian waffles, made by Belinda, the beloved Hopewell Hotel cook. These were served up with an array of toppings: chocolate syrup, fresh lemon whipped cream, stewed strawberries, and powdered vanilla sugar. The air should have been thick with wafflely perfume. Instead, there was an acrid, confusing smell, undercut by a light touch of smoke.
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Writer in Residence
ZOMBIE IDOL: ROUND ONE (Updated)
Friends, welcome to the first round of ZOMBIE IDOL.
The judges were reading entries all night long, fretting, debating, deciding. There were hundreds - hundreds - of zombies. Do you know how hard it is to pick five out of HUNDREDS of good zombies? Could you pick five kittens from a truckload of adorable kittens?
But we had to do it– Meg, John, Justine, Emily, and I.
We decided to go with an ambitious range of entries, from all different genres. We looked at zombie use and behaviors. “Can we feel the zombie?” we asked ourselves. “Can we SMELL the brains?”
We know what this means. It means that some of YOUR ZOMBIES will not make it today. This pained us. We wanted them all. But we had to make some selections.
Never fear, Zombie Idol fans. First of all, this is only ROUND ONE. You still have an entire week to send in a new entry! The deadline for ROUND TWO is February 21st. (That’s U.S. time. Sorry.)
And don’t forget the Zombay des Refuses . . . the salon of Zombies that will be on every day next week on my blog! These are the indy zombies, the ones The Man thought were too raw, too edgy.
And the most important part . . . YOU pick today’s winner. Not me. Not the Celebrity Judges. YOU.
The rules are simple: you make one (ONE!) vote in the comments. One is the loneliest number, but that is how many votes you get. Can you lobby and get other people to come over and vote on the zombie you like? Sure! Send as many people here as you want! Everyone can take part in Zombie Idol!
But it’s one vote per person. We don’t want to have one of those voting scandals, you know.
Are you ready?
Are you?
We are ready.
I bring you, round one of ZOMBIE IDOL!
1. The judges were impressed by this version of Give a Moose a Muffin by Laura Joffe Numberoff, given to us by Moosealexa. If only more children’s books were like this, the world would be a better place, and the small ones would be better prepared for the visits of the undead.
If you give a moose a muffin, he’ll want some jam to go with it. So you’ll bring out some of your mother’s homemade blackberry jam. He’ll want another. When they’re all gone, he’ll ask you to make more. You’ll have to go to the store to get some muffin mix. He’ll want to go with you. When he opens the door and feels how chilly it is, he’ll realize there is a hoard of zombies trying to make their way inside. He’ll slowly close the door and shut the blinds. You’ll ask what is wrong; he’ll mutter something about the apocalypse and where he placed his AK-47. He asks you to make puppets. When they’re done, he peeps out the window to see the zombies sharpening their nails. He laughs nervously and asks to make a backdrop for the puppet show. When the scenery is finished, he’ll get behind the couch. But his antlers will stick out. So he’ll ask for something to cover them up. He’ll try it on and shout, “Boo!” It’ll scare him so much; he’ll knock over the paints. So he’ll use the sheet to clean up the mess. He’ll go outside to put it on the clothesline. The zombies are there and—whoa, wait. They’re eating his muffins and blackberry jam! Oh, your mom too. So he’ll go on a roaring rampage. When he’s finished, he’ll be covered in black oozing zombie blood. Which will remind him of jam and muffins!
Who knew this was the door to the apocalypse?
2. We turned toward the classical for this entry from Sarah H., who gave us a much better translation of the Aeneid, by Virgil.
I sing of arms and of the undead man, fated to be an exile; a great pounding he took at the hands of the living because of the fierce and mindless rage of his nature. Great too were his sufferings by axe and blunt instrument before he could lead his undead brethren into Latium. This was the beginning of the reanimated race, the brain-hungry fathers, and the high corpse-walls of Romero. Tell me, Muse, the causes of his anger. What drove a zombie famous for his holey limbs to such endless shambling?
There was an ancient city named Carthage held by colonists from Tyre. This was the city Juno, the Queen of the Living, had long favoured, intending to give it sovereignty over the pirates and ninjas of the earth, if only the Fates would allow it. But she had heard that there was rising from the blood of Troy a race who in days to come would overthrow this Tyrian citadel; a people relentless in war and rotting of flesh would come to sack the land of Libya; this is the destiny the Fates were unrolling. With this fuelling her anger she was keeping the remnants of the zombie horde, those who had escaped the savagery of Ash and his chainsaw hand, far away from Latium, driven by the Fates to shamble year after year round all the lands of the world. So heavy was the cost of founding the Romeran race.
we iz in ur aeneid, eatun ur branes
3. The third candidate today is from my book, The Bermudez Triangle, which has been stunningly rewritten by the artist known as ~twilight~. In this scene, Mel’s parents confront their daughter and question her dating preferences. Feel the cold indifference. To me, this entry proves that rainbows are not the sole property of unicorns.
“It’s not okay.” This brought Mel’s mother and the zombie out of their short silence. The zombie moaned, then Mel’s mother spoke.
“I’m not going to support this kind of lifestyle. Neither is your father, neither is that zombie, and neither is Jim. Don’t expect us to pay for your college of for your living expenses. If this is how you’re going to be, then you’d better be prepared for some reality, little girl.”
The zombie moaned again, although it was unclear whether in sympathy, hunger, or agreement.
“Just stop,” her father said. “You’ve said enough. Be quiet.”
“I will *not* be quiet. As long as she’s alive and not undead, Mel is my daughter as well….”
“I don’t like your threats and I don’t like your zombie.”
The zombie’s eyesockets glowed like lit coals. He pulled a picture out from his pocket of himself, while alive, in front of the Stonewall Inn during the riot of 1969. Nobody had even noticed the grimy hankies in his rear pockets, perhaps thinking them leftover entrails. Was the zombie even, for sure, a “he” — or maybe just really butch and decomposed.
Mel’s mother looked like she was going to faint. “First, my daughter, now, my zombie! Did you both conspire to humiliate me?”
We’re here, we’re queer, and we’re slowly decomposing.
4. Entry four takes a whole new look at the tiny village of St. Mary Mead, home of England’s beloved Miss Marple, amateur detective extraordinaire–brought to us by Mia N. The judges were impressed by the ease in which the zombie enters the scene, and Miss Marple’s cool demeanor.
Really, she had told old George again and again that she only wanted sulphur-coloured antirrhinums, not that rather ugly purple shade that gardeners always seemed so fond of. ‘Sulphur yellow,’ said Miss Marple aloud. She stepped neatly away toward the other side of the garden as a zombie swung his arm over the railing at her rather ineffectually.
‘Braaaaaaaaaaaaiiinnnnnnns,’ gargled the zombie.
Most impertinent, thought Miss Marple.
‘I beg your pardon? You said something?’
‘Oh dear, it may have been him–I was talking to myself, I’m afraid,’ said Miss Marple, turning to look over the railing.
This was someone she did not know, and she knew most people in St Mary Mead. Knew them by sight even if not personally. It was a thickset woman in a shabby but tough tweed skirt, and wearing good country shoes. The zombie turned his attentions from Miss Marple to the newcomer and staggered in her direction.
‘I’m afraid one does at my age,’ added Miss Marple.
‘Nice garden you’ve got here,’ said the other woman, tidily stepping to the side as the zombie shambled towards her.
‘Braaaaaaaaiinnnnnnnnns,’ the unfortunate monster choked as it tumbled forward onto the graveled lane.
Miss Marple realized why the zombie seemed so familiar to her. He was so very much like the Tavistock boy, that horrid little Jasper who continually tugged at Lucia’s skirts and begged her for candy. It made playing bridge at the Tavistock’s so terribly trying. Yes, Jasper Tavistock–he was a chemist now, wasn’t he?
Miss Marple: unafraid of the undead, spooky stone lions, and YOU
5. Today’s last candidate is kind of manifesto, an overflowing of goodwill and encouragement to all the zombies out there. Adrienne K. bravely took How to be an Artist from SARK’s New Creative Companion and made it into a thing of beauty. Now, this is a poster we would be proud to own.
Never stay dead. Learn to watch from shadows. Spread incurable viruses. Invite slow runners to tea. Collect occipital lobes and put them all over your house. Make friends with fear and trepidation. Look forward to nightmares. Make men cry in movies. Eat brains naked. In moonlight. Cultivate apocalypse. Refuse to be entombed. Do it for evil. Take lots of innocents. Give undeath away. Do it now. The living will follow. Believe in the cursed. Groan a lot. Celebrate every gorgeous medulla oblongata. Take bloodbaths. Steal others’ wild imaginings through transformative cerebrum-sucks. Revel in perfect chaos. Draw on the walls. With gnawed-off knuckles. Imagine yourself victorious. Giggle at shot guns. Listen to old people wail. Open them up. Dive in. Be free. Damn yourself. Drive in the fear. Play with entrails. You are unholy. Build a fort with corpses. Get revenge. Hug graves. Roam aimlessly. Massacre.
Fixed.
The winner of today’s round (and the final Suite Scarlett) will be announced at this time tomorrow on my blog, where I return for good. I am honored to give the final Scarlett to this great cause.
It is probably wrong to point out that tomorrow also happens to be my birthday. I mention it only because this year, for the first time, I will get what I have always TRULY wanted . . . a bunch of zombies. Dreams really do come true!
Thank you for having me here at insideadog. KEEP SENDING IN YOUR ZOMBIES! We’re not even halfway through! They go to maureen@maureenjohnsonbooks.com.
Now, let the voting begin! Vote with your heart. Or the place your heart used to be.
Update: The winner has been announced.
204 Responses to “ZOMBIE IDOL: ROUND ONE (Updated)”
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I vote for “How to Be a Zombie” by Adrienne K. Zombieliciousness!
Hahaha, If You Give A Moose A Muffin is definitely my favorite.
Moose a Muffin! Moose a Muffin!
If You Give A Moose A Muffin!
I vote for Aeneid, by Virgil!!
#3! Gay Zombies!
Oh, definately our moose-tacular zombie fighting friend wins this one.
If You Give A Moose A Muffin.
if u give a moose a muffin!!!!
I vote If You Give a Moose a Muffin
!!!!!!
How to be an artist… er… zombie!
No. 2, The Aeneid! How I wish that was the version I’d translated in class! The epic, eternal struggle between gods and humans, the living and the undead, people shambling around in the fresh sea air looking for fresh brains, and people cleaning their shotguns in well-fortified cities. A educational, stirring tale to strike terror and hope into the hearts of Romerians everywhere.
I vote “If you give a moose a muffin”
I vote for how to be a zombie!
(even though I don’t want to be one)
The Zombeid.
My vote is for Aeneid by Virgil. So clever!
I vote for #5, that is truly inspiring.
Adrienne K.’s excerpt, for sure.
How to be a Zombie! Love it almost as much as I love brains.
#5!!
How to be a Zombie is both very informative and cleverly written. Plus, the new version is much more entertaining than the original. I choose you!
i vote for # 5, how to be a zombie xD
Adrienne K.’s work is most definitely Zombie worthy! She gets my vote.
My vote is #2: the Zombie Aeneid! I wish I could vote for them all!
Woohoo “how to be an artist” has truly been transformed into Top Zombie Idol material! I vote Adrienne’s work!
“How to be an Artist†from SARK’s, #5!
Yea Adrienne K.! You’re too funny! I vote for her.
#5 definitely! Adrienne K. “How to be an Artist or should i say zombie
i vote for adrienne k’s “how to be a zombie.” it’s pure brilliance!
(Between 1 and 5 its hard makeing sappy things un sappy is happy(look i ryhmed) but the moose hahaha)I vote for 1
I vote for Adrienne K.’s piece!
Love Adrienne K.’s zombie twist of “How to be an Artist†from SARK, made me laugh (= plus, I love brains . . . and I’ll stop there (=
#5, #5, #5!!
Number 5 for sure is the best! Most creative….Way to go Andi!
I like “HOW TO BE A ZOMBIE”.
I vote for #5 - Adrienne K.
Give a Moose a Zombie
I vote for Adrienne K’s submission! Hilarious!
I vote for Adrienne K - long live zombies!
My vote is for “How to Be a Zombie†by Adrienne K. SHE ROCKS MY SOCKS!
With lyrical lines like “celebrate every gorgeous medulla oblongata,” how could I not choose: How to be a Zombie?
HOW TO BE A ZOMBIE!!!
zombie chant for adrienne — what do we want? BRAINS!
when do we want them? BRAINS!
My vote goes to the moose, the muffin, and the zombie.
Totally HOW TO BE A ZOMBIE. It’s brilliant.
I vote for Adrienne K
I vote for Miss Marple
I vote for Adrienne K - #5!
Definately Adrienne K’s excerpt about how to be a zombie.. very creative!
I vote for Mia N. and her zombiefied Miss Marple.
Definitely #5. I love inviting slow runners to tea!
# 1!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
If You Give A Moose A Muffin!
Adrienne K!!!! That is the best one by far.
#4 Miss Marple keeps her cool
I vote #5 - it’s brilliant! (but kudos to the others)
Adrienne has my vote… “play with entrails”is such a zombie thing to do!
I vote for #1!
I wonder about what entries would have won if they’d been chosen from entries that followed the one-paragraph/250-words “rules” that were posted the other day.
These were fun, though. I vote #1.
I vote number 4 - with Miss Marple!
Ohmigod, #5! Genius and hilarious.
I vote for How to be a Zombie! Mixing Zombie’s with SARK. Who would have thought?
i vote for If You Give a Moose a Muffin! (the others were great, though!)
How to be a zombie! (#5) #1 was close second though.
Number 5 for sure!!
How to be a zombie!!
How to be a Zombie.
How could I NOT vote for something that recommends I build a fort with corpses?
I vote for #5 How to be a zombie!!!!
I vote for #5 - how to be a zombie!
Adrienne K’s How to be a Zombie!
My vote is for Number 5, “How to be a zombie”
5. How to be a Zombie - I’ll never look at that poster again the same way.
#4 all the way!
How to be a Zombie. #5
I vote for, How to be a Zombie.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY MAUREEN!!!!!!!!
muffin
i vote for moose muffin
ZOMBIE MUFFINS ARE THE BEST, I LIKE #1, the other ones are pretty lame
Oh, man, 1 and 5 are both so good… I guess my vote is 5, but it was a tough, tough call.
i <3 #5
My vote: If you give a moose a muffin!
Also happy birthday! It’s my friend’s birthday tomorrow as well.
i like if you give a moose a muffin, so creative
How to be a Zombie by Adrienne K is the best!
1. Moose!!!
Yo! Adrienne! I vote for “How To Be A Zombie”.
#5!!
WELL duh, I choose moose
okay, Matt or whoever thinks these are over 250 words, some are, but #1 isn’t, it’s like 247 or something. I vote #1
#5 was emo…but it’s a tie between #1 and 5.
I like happy stuff, so #1
The Bermudez Triangle!
Adrienne’s piece - Great tips, really laid it all out!
OMG! MOOSE A MUFFIN IS MY NUMBER ONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!HILARIOUS!
Definitely “If You Give a Moose a Muffin.”
These storie were really awesome, but my vote hast to go to If you give a moose a muffin.
#1#1#1#1!
The Bermudez Triangle
number 3. The Bermudez triangle one.
But, I also like Miss Marple.
Why do they have to be so good?!
Awesome. Good work Adrienne.
How to be a Zombie. Crazy!
How to be a Zombie…
IF YOU GIVE A MOOSE A MUFFIN!!! That was brilliant. 200 points to whoever wrote it.
*Aella Siofra*
I vote for Give a Zombie a Muffin!
THE MUFFIN MOOSE! OR MOOSE MUFFIN! WHATEVER YOU CALL IT…
Oh dear, they’re all so brilliant!
I’m going to have to vote for “If You Give a Moose a Muffin,” but great job everyone!!
Congrats to those who were chosen. The rest of us will just have to try again in round two, I suppose.
My vote is for #5. It was truely inspiring…
Definitely love Adrienne Kisner’s How to be a Zombie - that takes my vote!!
LOVED if you give a moose a muffin, woot #1
the judges seemed to ask for something out there- crazy, fun, lenient to the wild side- i definetly think #1 did just that
I vote for If You Give a Moose a Muffin. That was so, so funny!
Moose a Muffin.
def numero 5 ‘how to be a zombie’.
aboslutely inspiring!
:9
My vote goes to “How to be a Zombie!”
I’d always considered giving up the ghost and joining the shambling hoard, and now with Adrienne K’s “How To Be A Zombie” I have both the inspiration and tools to make it happen.
Definitely Adrienne K~it is brilliant!
If you give a moose a muffin! Mwah, that one is awesome.
#5- How to be a Zombie. That one changed my death!
#5 How to Be a Zombie!
Adrienne K all the way!
come on! mooses, I mean, meeses, I mean–whatever! That moose rocks!
Don’t ever try to take his muffins you stupid zombies! 
loved it.
How to be a zombie. Definitely.
I vote for “How to Be a Zombie†by Adrienne K.
Miss Marples gets my brains…vote!
I think I’ll throw my token in for The Zombie Aeneid.
I definitely have to vote for If You Give a Moose A Muffin. I loved it.
They’re all so good!
But I pick If you give a moose a muffin.
I vote for #5.
MOOSE FOR SURE!!!!!
I vote for Adrienne Kisner’s How to be a Zombie!!!!! it is amazing!!!! #1!!!!!
wow, these are WAY better than mine, congrats to ALL, loved them all, but have to vote for #5 soooo creepy, but in a good way. How to be a Zombie all the way.
I vote for #5 - Adrienne K.’s - that’s clever
It’s gotta be the zombification of Mrs. Marple by Mia N.! I vote for #4.
Wow! It’s an honor to be a finalist because these are all great and this is a delightful idea. But I think I must cast my vote for #1!
how to be a zombie
How to be a Zombie! It was very funny.
If You Give a Moose a Muffin!!!
I love number 3!!!!!!!!!
#5, How to be a Zombie.
Adrienne should open a Zombie school. She already has the manual!
i would pay money for a “How to be a Zombie” workshop, but only if Adrienne K. was the swami. at the very least, please make a full color poster.
Miss Marple!!!! Miss Marple!!!!
loved all of them, but i have to give props to “if you give a moose a muffin”, that kicked butt
If you give a moose a muffin all the way…it is the most awesome story i have ever read!!!!!!!! =)
I’ll vote for _How to be a Zombie_
okay, #5 was over done but okay, but #1 was over done and awesomely awesome, i mean, who doesn’t love a little moose shooting an AK47 and eating muffins…the BEST!!!
If you give a moose a muffin. . .
A childhood classic. I love it!
How to be a Zombie by Adrienne!!
I vote for #4. I’ve never read anything by Agatha Christie, but I’m sure it would be vastly better with zombies.
How to be a Zombie
I have to vote for the Aeneid, simply because of the Evil Dead reference. They were all totally brilliant (the Moose was hilarious, the “How to be a Zombie is now my manifesto), and I hope I can get some in next time.
Number 3 please. I like Stonewall Zomboid Butches!
Adrienne K’s HOW TO BE A ZOMBIE!!! no competizzle. girl you got talent. (im bowing to you rite now, in case you hadn’t noticed).
I’m all about Adrienne K. THat was just AWESOME!
GOOD SARK SPOOF.
i am so mad.. grrrrrrrhhhhhh. for two reasons.
1. i have been so busy i didny\t even know about the zombie contest and now its over. i haven’t had anytime to check email or any other site. or even start my own site. more about that later. so now i cant enter and so i cant win. and scarlett(on the card) has been acting all evil and rude like she knows something i dont and this is probably it. i want suite scarlett now!!!!!!
2 this friend of mine is reading twilight. i know that this sounds like a who cares thing but i will tell you something…..this friend is not a peep(vampire) person she lives fo rthe clique and gossip girl and the a list. she is only reading it because everyone else is. i hate the majority of people who have read this book. (cept mj,and any other author,me, my friends katherine, gabrielle, and cynthia plus a few unmentioned fools.)and i have been “losing” twilight every time she asks to borrow it. and you know what she does….she goes to borders and buys it!!!!!! hello, not cool. and my best friend cynthia has not been at school so i can not ask her if she has access to a blow torch so i can go to the evil sort of friend house a blowtorch her copy. i would never any other circumstances burn a book but this comes to desperate measures. HELP!!!!!!!!!!!! please mj
that was long. i feel 1.2435243958567565048463538495756439305947484000000000000000004785974% better.
ok my vote totally goes to give a moose a muffin
cute contest
I love “How to Be a Zombie” by Adrienne K. definitly the best
I’m all over the Adrienne K. entry!
5. Adrienne K’s “How to be a Zombie.”
—
That was absolutely hilarious. Especially after reading the original.
<3
I vote for Adrienne K’s “How to be a Zombie.â€
It was so funny. Lol.
Moose, moose, moose,moose,moose! really,nothing else compares.
I vote for Adrienne K.
Loves the moose.
Adrienne K’s HOW TO BE A ZOMBIE!!! no competizzle. girl, you got talent. (im bowing to you rite now, in case you hadn’t noticed).
-Lizzy-wa OUT!
story #1 is awesome! it brings back memories of my childhood, and how i WISH it had zombies in it! reminds me of the hunt.
How to Be A Zombie
Adrienne K’s How To Be A Zombie
How often I have seen lists like that behind the counters of small town restaurants and decided not to add sugar to my tea. Now I know what they really needed.
How To Be a Zombie gets my vote. Hilarious. Why should self-actualization stop at the grave?
Definitely the moose!
#2 - but I also love #5. They both contain corpse walls/forts, hooray!
#5 I vote for Adrienne K’s How to be an Artist…
Yay Adrienne!!
it was really hard, but i have to go with “how to be a zombie” by adrienne k. awesomeness!
I vote fo rthe Anead [sp] this is bad considering we just had a test on this in literature and i can’t really spell it. anyway. Go Virgil!
that one WAS Virgil right?
my vote is for #1. If you give a moose a muffin!
Bermudez Triangle!
This was hard, but I have to go with Adrienne K. “How to be an Artist†for sheer inspiration.
#2 the lurking dead of ancient times (finally, the true history comes to light!)
MOOSE
nummer 5 how to be a zombie. but really, all of you guys are my heroes. really.
These are all AWESOME and I’m envious of everyone’s genius, but my vote’s for “If You Give a Moose a Muffin.”
I LOVE MOOSE! anyway, is number 5 even a story
These are all excellent, but the moose have stolen my heart (and brains).
How to be a Zombie gets my vote.
I vote for Adrienne K. hands down. Go Adrienne!
Give a Moose A Zombie
My vote goes to #5 - Adrienne Kisner’s How to Be a Zombie.
GO MOOSE!YOU GET MY VOTE
The Aeneid!
I vote for Adrienne K’s How to be a Zombie.
Number Five alive!
DEFINITELY “How to be a Zombie”
all of them were REALLY lame except #1, that one wasn’t emo (*cough* #5)
VOTE MOOSE
i vote for number one! mooses fight zombies and own AK 47s!
#5 is brilliant! Gets my vote.
If you Give a Moose a Muffin!
Moose a Muffin
If You Give A Moose A Muffin
#5 How to be a zombie. Brilliant.
WE VOTE MOOSE!!! it’s two of us, so TWO VOTES TO #1…THE BEST EVER
It’s hard to pick, but I vote If You Give A Moose a Muffin!
Give A Moose A Muffin! Give A Moose A Muffin!
#1, the best one on here
Adrienne K.’s How to be a Zombie awesome!
Miss Marple and Mia M for the win.
Adrienne K. #5 How to be a Zombie! Love it!
#5 How to be a Zombie by Adrienne K. Got my vote!